This Newsletter is published quarterly, March, June, September and December by the B. C. Ground Water Association. For more information please contact: Secretary Treasurer, Joan Perry, 1708 - 197 A Street, Langley, B. C. V2Z 1K2 Phone or Fax: 604-530-8934

Archived Newsletters:

BCGWA PLANNING SESSION SUMMARY REPORT - CLICK TO DOWNLOAD

Click Here To Download a PDF file of the BCGWA Consitution under the Society Act of British Columbia

Click here for a letter sent from the BCGWA to the Premier of British Columbia
New! Click here for a letter sent from Terry Lake, Minister of the Environment to the BCGWA

EXTRACTION OF SURFACE WATER FOR WELL DRILLING PURPOSES (PDF Document) – KEEP A COPY FOR YOUR USE!

December 2011 Newsletter

This Newsletter is published quarterly, March, June, September and December by the B.C.
Ground Water Association. For more information please contact: Executive Secretary, Joan
Perry, 1708 – 197 A Street, Langley, B. C. V2Z 1K2. Phone or Fax: 604-530-8934.
BCGWA Website address: www.bcgwa.org
BCGWA email address: secretary.bcgwa@shaw.ca
________________________________________________________________________

President’s Report

Well the Lions won the Grey Cup and the Canucks are back at it…so I guess the world is unfolding as it should.

As mentioned in my last report it has been a very busy fall working on the Well Owners Workshop (WOW) presentation and delivery. You may recall we were invited by Agriculture and Agri-Foods Canada (AgCan) to join the BC Ministry of Environment (MOE) to create and present a series of workshops targeted at agriculture well users as well as rural residential well owners. We initially met with Tony Cowen from AgCan (Edmonton) and Doug Edwards, Regional Water Resources Engineer based in Kamloops at our 2011 Convention and Trade Show in Richmond last March. The plan was to utilize information from two very successful workshops; Working Well – Alberta and the Regional District of Nanaimo’s WellSMART workshop on Vancouver Island. A working committee was struck including the two gentlemen noted above along with Vicki Carmichael (MOE) and myself.

With long hours of toil and peer review we developed a speaker supported 65 slide Power Point Presentation (PPP), which included a 15 minute sound supported video (from the Well Working program), which was embedded into the PPP. The overall presentation ran for approximately 2 hours, followed by a 30 minute Panel response Question and Answer (Q&A) period.

The pilot program was presented in the three regional districts within the Okanagan Valley; Vernon, Ellison (Kelowna) and Cawston (Keremeos) which were selected by the Regional Districts of North Okanagan, Central Okanagan and Okanagan- Similkameen. The PPP was narrated by professionals from BCGWA (Dan Watterson (Watterson Geoscience), Jacqueline Foley (Golder Associates), Remi Allard (Western Water Associates) , Ministry of Forests, Lands and Natural Resource Operations (Laurie Lyons MFLNRO), Ministry of Environment (Vicki Carmichael MOE) and the Interior Health Region (Joanne Edwards IHR). The Q&A panel consisted of the speakers as well as drillers (Mark Webb, Leo Litwin (Cyclone Drilling), Steve Robbins (Robbins Drilling) and pump installers (Mal Johnson (Moore’s Well Pump Service) from BCGWA, along with staff from CARO Analytical Services (Ed Hoppe & Sara Munro (CARO), and the Environmental Farm Program (Peter Spencer & Joe Lariviere), Joan Perry handled the pre-program registration and yours truly had the pleasure of moderating the three workshops.

The WOW was very well received by those attending; 43 from Vernon, 14 from Ellison and 36 from Cawston. Now that the presentation package has been created and successfully presented, we hope to be able to continue with further presentations at several other rural locations around the province in the near future.

The other active events recently completed were the annual regional meetings in the respective regions; Fraser Valley (Langley), Cariboo (Prince George), Vancouver Island (Nanaimo), Kootenays (Cranbrook) and Okanagan (Vernon). I was able to attend all except Prince George. Reports on each regional meeting will appear elsewhere in this Newsletter.

In other news we continue to work with Kevin Bennett of MFLNRO (Kamloops) to develop their “Short-term Test for Real Estate Transactions” recommendations.

We have also received a letter from the Canadian Ground Water Association outlining their position on future certification of Geotechnical, Environmental and Geothermal (GEG) drillers, summarized as follows:

Until such a time that the CGWA establishes its own courses and examinations for Canadian certification, future GEG drillers will be required to prove completion of sufficient hours of experience in their specific trade and have successfully completed course and exams provided by the National Ground Water Association (USA) or other CGWA recognized programs. These must be taken in their trade specific designation. The CGWA will no longer certify GEG drillers in the Certified Groundwater Drilling Technician category. The CGWA will work with the BC MOE to temporarily register successful candidates with approved experience and US certified or other recognized programs for (GEG) drillers until such a time as a Canadian program is established. For details see the letter from the CGWA dated October 20, 2011, a copy of which is located in this Newsletter.

That is about it for now; I want to wish you and your families a happy holiday season and best wishes for a pleasant and prosperous new year.

Bruce Ingimundson

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Regional Meeting Reports

FRASER VALLEY – October 1, 2011 (Ramada Inn – Langley)

As usual another successful meeting was held with 27 attendees. Jim Clark welcomed everyone and introduced Mike Lamont President and Bruce Ingimundson Managing Director who chaired the meeting.

Bruce outlined the association’s activities during the year including our annual Convention/Trade Show in Richmond last March, the upcoming 2012 Annual Convention/Trade Show scheduled for Kamloops March 26 – 30, Canwell 2012 in Hamilton Ont., May 23-26, 2012 and our hosting of Canwell 2014 in Kelowna in June. He also mentioned correspondence with Premier Christy Clark and her subsequent response as well as the upcoming Well Owners Workshops to be run at three locations in the Okanagan valley with the MOE, MFLNRO and AgCanada. Active discussions followed on the subject of responsibility for control of flowing wells and the CGWA refusal to no longer certify geotechnical, environmental and geothermal drillers. He also mentioned the BCGWA response to the proposed revisions to the Organic Matter Recycling Regulation.

Mark Zubel of Fraser Valley Health was unable to attend and present his talk.

Michele Lepitre of MFLNRO updated us on recent activities within her ministry including the status of current regulation process and an outline of the Section 77 of the Act regarding uncontrolled flowing wells.

Scott Brown, Office of Regulation and Enforcement Division of metrovancouver (formally the Vancouver Regional District) spoke on new regulations covering diesel engine emission for free standing motors, commonly used on geotechnical and environmental drilling rigs.

An active question and answer session followed.
Lunch and much conversing among members followed the formal meeting. Thank you to all who participated.

NOTE: A CGWA exam session was held following the meeting for drillers and or pump installers who had been approved to challenge their specific examination. The exam session was proctored by Bruce Ingimundson.

CARIBOO – October 22, 2011 (Corestock Supply Office – Prince George)

The meeting opened at 1:00 PM with 15 in attendance. John Vlchek, Regional Director chaired the meeting.

Our letter to the Premier and her response was read to the attendees. It was suggested that we invite Tom Siddon to be a guest speaker at our 2012 Annual Convention and Trade Show in Kamloops next March.

The information in the Managing Director’s report was outlined as follows:

An outline of the association’s activities during the year including our annual Convention/Trade Show Richmond in March, the upcoming 2012 Annual Convention/Trade Show scheduled for Kamloops March 26 – 30, Canwell 2012 in Hamilton Ont., May 23-26, 2012 and our hosting of Canwell 2014 in Kelowna in June was covered. Also mentioned was the upcoming Well Owners Workshops to be run at three locations in the Okanagan valley with the MOE, MFLNRO and AgCanada. Active discussions followed on the subject of responsibility for control of flowing wells and the CGWA refusal to no longer certify geotechnical, environmental and geothermal drillers. He also mentioned the BCGWA response to the proposed revisions to the Organic Matter Recycling Regulation.

Kirsten Heslop of MOE outlined the work being undertaken on the new Water Sustainability Act regulating groundwater use and proposed options. Members felt the BCGWA draft a letter to the MOE suggesting that permits to drill only be required in critical groundwater areas. She mentioned the public response to WAM was showing strong support for groundwater regulations, monitoring and reporting. She also covered current requirements under Section 77 that covers requirements for controlling artesian flow, landowner’s responsibilities and MOE concerns. A motion was made that BCGWA approach the MOE to develop or improve regulations governing open holes in the mining and oil/gas areas as these holes need to be properly sealed after drilling. Kirsten mentioned that she would like to see everyone submit their well logs, so that MOE staff can get this information into the data base.

Dave Tamblyn, Public Health Engineer from Northern Health gave a presentation on groundwater systems and the requirements for these systems.

Following the presentations, questions were posed to the chair which included what was considered “work” to gain the 1000 hours required to challenge the CGWA Class 1 Groundwater Pump Technician exams.

The meeting adjourned at 3:30 PM. Our thanks to all who attended and to Corestock Supply for providing the venue and lunch.

VANCOUVER ISLAND – October 29, 2011 (Days Inn – Nanaimo)

As usual another successful meeting was held with 23 attendees. Red Williams, Regional Director welcomed everyone and presented greetings from Mike Lamont President followed by introducing Bruce Ingimundson Managing Director who chaired the meeting.

Bruce outlined the association’s activities during the year including our annual Convention/Trade Show in Richmond last March, the upcoming 2012 Annual Convention/Trade Show scheduled for Kamloops March 26 – 30, Canwell 2012 in Hamilton Ont., May 23-26, 2012 and our hosting of Canwell 2014 in Kelowna next June. He also mentioned correspondence with Premier Christy Clark and her subsequent response as well as the upcoming Well Owners Workshops to be run at three locations in the Okanagan valley with the MOE, MFLNRO and AgCanada. Active discussions followed on the subject of responsibility for control of flowing wells and the CGWA refusal to no longer certify geotechnical, environmental and geothermal drillers. He also mentioned the BCGWA response to the proposed revisions to the Organic Matter Recycling Regulation.
Rachelle Ormond of MFLNRO Vancouver Island Regions updated us on recent activities within her ministry including the status of current regulation process for the proposed Water Sustainability Act and an outline of the Section 77 of the Act regarding uncontrolled flowing wells.

Lynne Magee of the Vancouver Island Health Region provided an update on health related issues regarding groundwater supply and discussed recent concerns she has come across in her work.

An active question and answer session followed.
Lunch and much conversing among members followed the formal meeting. Thank you to all who participated.

NOTE: A CGWA exam session was held following the meeting for drillers and or pump installers who had been approved to challenge their specific examination. The exam session was proctored by Jim Fyfe.

KOOTENAYS REGION – November 4, 2011 (Days Inn – Cranbrook)

A total of 9 attended a successful meeting this year. Mike Bombardier, Regional Director welcomed everyone and presented greetings from Mike Lamont President followed by introducing Bruce Ingimundson Managing Director who chaired the meeting.

Bruce outlined the association’s activities during the year including our annual Convention/Trade Show in Richmond last March, the upcoming 2012 Annual Convention/Trade Show scheduled for Kamloops March 26 – 30, Canwell 2012 in Hamilton Ont., May 23-26, 2012 and our hosting of Canwell 2014 in Kelowna in June. He also mentioned correspondence with Premier Christy Clark and her subsequent response as well as the upcoming Well Owners Workshops to be run at three locations in the Okanagan valley with the MOE, MFLNRO and AgCanada. Active discussions followed on the subject of responsibility for control of flowing wells and the CGWA refusal to no longer certify geotechnical, environmental and geothermal drillers. He also mentioned the BCGWA response to the proposed revisions to the Organic Matter Recycling Regulation.

No representatives from the MFLNRO attended this meeting due to a vacancy in their staff this year and no report was presented.

Gordon Mosley of the Interior Health Region provided an update on health related issues regarding groundwater supply and discussed issue with the attendees.

An active question and answer session followed, the main topic being the danger of local drilling members becoming involved in a drilling rate war. Bruce outlined details of experiencing this on southern Vancouver Island and related how the drillers in the Fraser Valley have avoided this with information provided by Jim Clark (Regional Director for the Fraser Valley). Bruce and Jim have offered to assist the Kootenay Region driller members in mediating any price war conflicts between regional drillers, should they wish their help.

Lunch and much conversing among members preceded the meeting. Thank you to all who participated.

Bruce Ingimundson
Managing Director

OKANAGAN REGION – November 18th, 2011 (Village Inn Hotel-Vernon)
Report from Ryan Rhodes

The November 2011 Regional meeting was held in Vernon this year and was very well attended, with 35 drillers, pump installers, hydrogeologists and government representatives in attendance. A couple of BCGWA bigwigs were also present. Bruce Ingimundson, our Managing Director was in town for a series of Well Owner Workshops put on by Agriculture Canada and provided an update on BCGWA affairs, activities and initiatives. In addition, BCGWA President Mike Lamont was in attendance, making a side trip to Vernon while checking on some jobs in the Kootenays.

I asked Jivor Norlin of the Interior Health Authority to speak at the meeting, to provide an update on IHA initiatives and also specifically to provide some information on the definition and procedures regarding Community Supply wells. I often get questions from well drillers on what constitutes a Community Supply well and what procedures need to be followed, and since I did not always know the answers to these questions I thought a talk on this subject would be beneficial to everyone. In short, pretty much any well that supplies water to more than one connection is considered a community supply well. Furthermore, wells used as the water supply for the food service industry (for example a roadside restaurant), food production (breweries, cheese makers), and wells supplying lunch rooms or community halls are all also considered community supply wells. IHA has recently updated their website with a page dedicated to providing information and application forms for community supply wells, and if ever in doubt or in need of clarification, contact your local drinking water officer (or your favourite hydrogeologist).

Laurie Lyons, the Groundwater Protection Officer for the Thompspon-Cariboo region provided an update on the Ministry of Forests, Range and Natural Resource Operations activities and policies. Of particular interest to many present was an update on the roles and responsibilities of well drillers and homeowners when it comes to flowing artesian wells. Remember, the B.C. Water Resources Atlas has a layer which highlights known flowing artesian wells, and is a good resource if you are planning to drill in a new area or in an area where you suspect artesian conditions may exist. Finally, you may note that I said Laurie was the Groundwater Protection Officer for the Thompson-Cariboo, and you may wonder why she was presenting at the Okanagan meeting. Well, apparently the Okanagan-Kootenay Region is without a Groundwater Protection Officer, and it is my understanding that this position has either been eliminated or that there are no plans to fill this position in the near future. It would seem that regulatory resources for the groundwater industry are being stretched pretty thin in B.C., and in a region with dozens of mines and a large rural population sourcing groundwater, you would think groundwater protection and regulation should be a higher priority. If you agree with me on this, make sure you voice your concerns to your local politicians and Ministry contacts.

Finally, Marta Green of Summit Environmental Consultants gave an excellent presentation showing her experience on retrofitting an existing community supply well with a new surface seal. There were many photos documenting the process step by step, in which a sonotube was used to hold the seal in place while the excavation was backfilled.

I want to thank everyone for coming to this year’s meeting and I hope you all find the time well spent. If you have any suggestions for topics you would like to see covered in the future, or if you would like to present on an interesting or unique project you have completed please get in touch with me.

I hope everyone has a happy and safe holiday season, and best wishes for the New Year!

Ryan Rhodes, P.Geo., BCGWA Okanagan Region Director
Western Water Associates Ltd.
ryan@westernwater.ca

NOTE: A CGWA exam session was held prior to the meeting for drillers and or pump installers who had been approved to challenge their specific examination. The exam session was proctored by Bruce Ingimundson.

The next set of BCGWA exams will be held at our Annual Convention and Trade Show in Kamloops during the week of March 26, 2012.

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Public Awareness?

An old pickup pulled into the yard, parked, and a scruffy kind of fella gets out to greet me.
“Hi”, he says, “You drill wells?” “No”, I answered back, “we do mostly preconstruction type of drilling. What’s up?” “I’m looking for help’ he claims, “my well keeps going dry in the summer”. “What type of well do you have?” I asked, “how deep is it?” “I don’t know” he replies,” but every time I have it filled it runs empty.” “Filled” I asked? “Yes, I get a water truck to come and fill it for me but it runs out real quick. My neighbor says it’s probably the tree roots sucking up all the water. Is there anything I can put in it to kill the roots? He asked. “That’s illegal” I answer back and also advise him that doing anything like that is not quite right. He gives me a funny look and starts back to his truck a bit disgruntled, but then turns around, smiles, and states that at least he gets his swimming pool filled at the same time by the water guy because it leaks too!

Bill Tuytel
Downrite Drilling Ltd.

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For Sale!

Operating drilling business in the sunny Okanagan. Owner plans to retire and sell company, drilling equipment, and 2-1/2 acre fenced industrial zoned drilling yard. Equipment includes
3 I-R TH60 air rotary drills and full tooling. See further details at www. cascadedrilling.ca.
Ph: 250-767-6633 or e.mail: drill@telus.net.

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Feds Flunked on Water Performance

A patchwork system of drinking-water standards across the country has left some Canadians at risk of contracting diseases, according to a new report. The report from an environmental watchdog gave decent grades to several provinces, including top marks to Ontario and Nova Scotia, but reserved its harshest critique for the federal government, which received a failing grade.

Vancouver-based Ecojustice says the findings in its third report on drinking-water management in Canada show safety gaps still exist more than a decade after lax water-management standards contributed to the deaths of seven people in Walkerton, Ontario. The report says the federal government has done little to improve drinking water conditions, including those in first nations communities. It also cited a reluctance to create rigorous national drinking water standards.
Ecojustice says that government cuts, climate change and unprotected source water are the biggest emerging threats to the country’s drinking water system. The report, which is released every five years, evaluates each province, territory and the federal government’s performance on treatment and testing requirements, drinking-water quality standards, source-water protection, and transparency and accountability.

The federal government received an ‘F’ on the report card, the only failing grade handed out.
Ontario received an ‘A’; Nova Scotia an A-; Manitoba and New Brunswick each received a B+; Newfoundland and Labrador received a B; while Prince Edward Island, Quebec and Saskatchewan each received a B-. At the bottom of the list were British Columbia (C+), Alberta (C-), the Northwest Territories (C), Yukon (D+) and Nunavut (D).

An “ambitious water law overhaul” is underway in B. C., the report notes, but doesn’t deal with the protection of water sources, a problem because B. C. is home to the lowest standards in the country.

The Vancouver Sun, Nov. 16, 2011

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New Rules for Non-Road Diesel Engines in Metro Vancouver

Regulations apply to anyone who owns or operates a non-road diesel engine in Metro Vancouver (an area from Lions Bay and Bowen Island to Maple Ridge and the Township of Langley (Aldergrove) that is 25hp or greater. The new regulation focuses on older (Tier 0 and Tier 1) engines but also restricts the exhaust opacity and idling of all engines.

Tier 0 engines are older engines that do not have any emission controls. Tier 1 engines have slightly lower emissions through improved air and fuel delivery systems but do not use emission controls found on newer Tier 2, Tier 3 and Tier 4 engines.

Beginning January 1, 2012, machines with Tier 0 engines 25 hp or greater must:
• Be registered
• Be labeled
• Pay fees

The same applies to Tier 1 engines beginning January 1, 2014.
Owners and operators of all engines must comply with:
• Emission opacity limits
• Idling restrictions

You will need to register the:
• Engine serial number
• Year of manufacture
• Maximum horsepower

An online registration and payment system will be available prior to January 2012 at: www.metrovancouver.org/nonroaddiesel. Labels will be mailed to you after you register. Additional information on labeling requirements will be provided on the web site.

Annual fees are based on the engine tier classification and horsepower. The initial focus will be on registration and education but failure to comply with the regulation is an offence and may result in tickets and fines.

Reducing diesel emissions in the most important step the regional district can take to improve air quality and public health in Metro Vancouver. Emissions of diesel soot are responsible for 67% of the lifetime cancer risk from air pollution in Metro Vancouver. The regulation will promote the reduction of these emissions from older diesel powered machines that are often operated close to where people live, work and play.

For more information call 604-432-6200 and ask for information regarding Bylaw 1137 or the Non-Road Diesel Engine Emissions Regulation.

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Upcoming Events:

Sask. Ground Water Convention
Saskatoon, SK
March 23, 2012
Contact: Kathy
Ph: 306-244-7551

B. C. Ground Water Association
Convention & Trade Show
Kamloops Convention Center
March 26-30th, 2012
Contact: Joan
Ph: 604-530-8934
email: secretary.bcgwa@shaw.ca

AWWDA Convention & Trade Show
Mayfield Inn, Edmonton, AB
April 19-21, 2012
Contact: Carol
Ph: 780-386-2335
email: awwda@xplornet.com

CanWell 2012
Hamilton, Ontario
May 23-26, 2012
www.CanWell2012.ca

Membership Changes:

Well Drilling:

Good Well Drilling
Ph: 250-546-3928

Robbins Drilling and Pump LTD
Box 80, 1400 Green Lake Road
Okanagan Falls, B C. V0H 1R0
Rep: Steven Robbins
Ph: 250-497-5303
email: robbwwd@telus.net

Terra Therma Drilling Ltd.
Ste. 522-17750-56 Avenue
Surrey, B. C. V3S 1K4
Rep: Greg Sleasman
Ph: 604-616-7241

Pump Suppliers:

ABC Water Systems Ltd.
email: jeff@abcwatersystems.ca

Bridge Lake Electric Ltd.
7556 Mickelson
Lone Butte, B. C. V0K 1X1
Rep: Dave Kuyek
Ph: 250-593-4498 Fax: 250-593-0117
email: bridgelk@bcwireless.com

Mountain View Electric Ltd.
P.O. Box 467
1009 Belvedere Street
Enderby, B. C. V0E 1V0

Manufacturers & Suppliers:

Cenikin Enterprise
New Rep: Elden Simon

West Coast Drilling Supplies
Postal code: V3S 3X1

Professional & Technical:

Lowen Hydrogeology Consulting Ltd.
P. O. Box 36035
1153 Esquimalt Road
Victoria, B. C. V9A 3P0
Ph: 250-595-0624 Fax: 1-855-286-8001

Associate Members:

Bereczki, Karen
Braithwaite Estates Improvement District
P.O. Box 22
Cobble Hill, B. C. V0R 1L0
Ph: 250-743-7211 Fax: 250-743-8821
email: BraithwaiteEstates@shaw.ca

Cameron, Cody
Hemmera
550 Cassiar Street
Vancouver, B. C. V5K 4M9
Ph: 778-378-1716 Fax: 604-669-0430
email: caxcameron@gmail.com

Carey, Stuart
Cullen Water Systems Inc.
349 Benjamin Road
Victoria, B. C. V8Z 6L9
Ph: 250-744-3451 250-744-7094
Fax: 250-744-3451
email: cullenwater@telus.net

Cullen, Michael
Cullen Water Systems Inc.
349 Benjamin Road
Victoria, B. C. V8Z 6L9
Ph: 250-744-3451 250-744-7094
Fax: 250-744-3451
email: cullenwater@telus.net

Horbay, Gordon
GeoTility Geothermal Installations Corp.
150-4611 Viking Way
Richmond, B. C. V6V 1C6
Ph: 604-273-5776

Jacques, Alain
B.C. Aquifer Services Ltd.
6382 Herons Place
Duncan, B. C. V9L 6Z3
Ph: 250-748-6671 Fax: 250-748-6671
email: alainandjoanne@shaw.ca

Kaluzny, Michael
Ingram Well & Pump Service
1615 Mt. Dufferin Ave.
Kamloops, B. C. V2E 1A8
Ph: 778-471-5866 Fax: 778-471-5867
email: mikekaluzny@hotmail.com

McHugh, Harry
Island Waterworks
6602 West Saanich Road
Brentwood Bay, B. C. V8M 1X1
Ph: 250-652-0238

Valverde, Guillermo Antonio Esquivel
Wallace Control Systems Corp.
65 Regina Avenue
Victoria, B. C. V8Z 1J2
Ph: 250-590-5501 Fax: 250-590-5593
email: ge@wallacecontrol.ca

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If a tree falls in the living room, does anybody hear it?

There’s nothing like the smell of a real tree to bring the Christmas spirit into your home. But we know how frustrating it can be to get your tree standing just the way you want it. To make your holiday experience a stress-free and fun one for the whole family just follow these five easy steps below. Happy holidays, and don’t skimp on the egg nog!

Step One: Selecting the tree. Pack the kids in the car and let’s go to the Christmas tree lot! There are hundreds of trees to choose from, but there’s only one that’s just right for your home. Unfortunately, that one is a “noble fir” that sells for $80.00. And since Daddy does not appear to be made of money, let’s look over here at the less noble firs that go for $29.95. They’re perfectly fine; nothing a little pruning won’t fix. There, that one looks great! No? How about that one there, then? Nope? Well, okay, what about this one, it has a nice…No? This one here? You sure? It would look great in…Okay, then this one. How about this one? This? This? This one? For petesakes, just tell the kids to pick one already, it’s getting cold! Fine. Good. That one. It’s perfect! Now, is it the right height? What do you mean, what do I mean, “Is it the right height?” Is it the right height for your living room? You mean you didn’t measure how high your ceiling was? Maybe you should have thought to do that before you left the house. Duh.

Step Two: Transporting the tree to your house. Here, a pickup truck comes in handy. If you do not own a pickup truck, or cannot borrow one, you will have to transport the tree on the roof of your car. First, before placing the tree on the car roof, lay an old blanket on it to protect the paint finish…You mean to say you didn’t bring an old blanket to protect the paint finish? Really? Is that how you treat all your possessions? Did you think the tree was going to magically fly back to your house? Well, hey, it’s your car, let’s hope the warranty’s still good. Okay, moving on. To secure the tree to the car roof, run your twine from the driver-side rear bumper to the…What? You didn’t bring twine? You’re kidding, right? Well, some polypropylene rope, then? Bungee cords? Duct tape? Seriously, nothing? Have you given this any thought at all?

Step Three: Bringing the tree into the house. Not through the front hall! Good lord, are you insane? That vase is 18th-century!

Step Four: Erecting the Christmas tree. First, with the tree on its side, and with the bottom of the tree on its side, and with the bottom of the tree trunk sawed flat, take the…What? Flat. As in horizontal. Yes. The bottom of the tree. So it rests upright in the tree stand…You mean to say you didn’t get the guy at the tree lot to saw the bottom of the tree before you brought it home? Oh, for chrissa…Have you got a chainsaw?...How about a pruning saw? Well surely you’ve got a carpenter’s saw in the garage? You don’t. Quelle surprise? Oh, but you have a Gyproc saw in the garage. Did I hear that right? You don’t have a carpenter’s saw but you have a Gyproc saw? Oh, for gawd…All right, just get it. And hurry up! We haven’t got all day! Because it’s probably going to take that long to cut the damn thing……..Okay, that’s done. Whew! Now, after inserting the FRESHLY CUT trunk into the tree stand, slowly screw in the tree stand’s three securing bolts so that the trunk is snugly centered in the middle of the stand…and why am I not surprised that the tree stand is missing the third bolt? Oh, this is too much. How would I know were the third bolt is? It’s your tree stand! Fine! Whatever! Just jam a block of wood in there so the damn tree trunk doesn’t move! Okay! Is that done? Fine! Now, raise the tree up straight. Okay, now let’s stand back and take a…Oh, shi…YES, I CAN SEE THAT THE TREE FELL OVER! I’m not blind, you moron…Okay, you hold it while I take a look. Okay. A little to the left. A little more to the left. Some more. More! Once more. A tad more. Almost there. Okay, a little to the right. Perfect. Now, to make sure the tree stands perfectly vertical, put shims under the legs of the tree stand. Shims. Shims! You know, little thin pieces of wood you use to lever things? What kind of man are you?

Step Five: Maintaining the tree. Congratulations! You’ve got the tree up and trimmed it with ornaments and lights. It looks lovely! And smell that pine aroma! To keep your tree fresh through the holiday season, remember to water it every three days. If you spill any, the plastic sheet and towel you put under the tree stand will protect your hardwood floors. Wait, you did that, right?

Pete McMartin
The Vancouver Sun

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PLEASE CLICK HERE TO VIEW/Download the December 2011 Report from the Ministry of Environment

Merry Christmas to all of you and your families from the B. C. Ground Water Association. We wish you all the best in the New Year for a happy, healthy and prosperous 2012.